Points of Views
by geekbydefault
Summary: Takes place after episode 11, season 4: "Family Remains". Jumps between Dean's and Sam's POV. Sam can't believe what Dean just told him about his time in hell.
1. Chapter 1

**Points of Views**

_This sets place after the ending of the episode "Family Remains" in season four. It's the moment after Dean has told Sam that not only did he torture souls in hell, but he actually liked it.  
It's written so that the story jumps between the two brothers, told from their different perspectives._

. . .

[SAM]  
Sam didn't know what to make of things. Everything he had believed in felt distorted in a way that was no longer recognizable.  
Dean, his Dean, his older and only brother.  
His hero.  
How could he ever begin to grasp what he had just said to him?  
All their life Dean had always acted tough, but no matter what, Sam had never questioned his brother's good heart or judgement. That was up until now.  
Now he wasn't so sure any more, and that lack of blind faith in Dean made him angry. Sure, there had been times when they had fought each other, lied and hurt one another in near to unforgiving measures. But this feeling was new.  
Dean didn't look back at him as Sam stared at his face, almost trying to make the words he had just spoken go back into his mouth, never to be uttered.  
He had enjoyed it. He had taken pleasure in torturing other souls, like the way his had been for 30 years, down in the pit. Now Sam finally knew the true reason to why Dean had been acting weird after telling him, what he believed to be what happened in hell. This, however, had been left out that first time and now he wished that Dean would take it back, tell him it was all a joke. What a tasteless joke it would have been, but still, so much better than the option.  
At first, Sam tried to make sense of it. He hadn't been to hell himself, so even if he would be told what it was like, he couldn't fully understand. Hadn't he done some bad decisions in life? He had demon blood in him, for pity's sake, in no way did he have an untainted soul. All those times with Ruby, who was a full blooded demon, no matter what his intentions were, that couldn't be ignored. Still, there was this feeling that he couldn't shake.  
Disappointment.

[DEAN]  
"_How..._" Sam started, but fell silent again. It had sounded more like a whimper than a word, and made Dean turn his eyes to his younger brother.  
Sam, his Sammy. He never wanted to tell him, but the void inside him growing larger every second he didn't, pushed him to blurt it all out. It hurt him to confess it, but the thing that hurt him the most was the look in Sam's eyes. He had known him his entire life and if there was one thing he knew, it was that Sam never could lie with his eyes. What he saw looking back at him was so powerful it almost made him choke when he started to talk again.  
"_Sam, I wish I could tell you there was a way to explain it, but there isn't. I didn't know what it would be like down there when I sold my soul._"  
"_Yet you didn't hesitate, did you?_" Sam shouted, and the deep tone of his anger made Dean flinch. Or was it sadness? He couldn't say, but he felt the words like a drum inside his heart.

[SAM]  
Sam sighed before he continued: "_Dean, I don't know, I mean..._" How could he find the words when he wasn't even sure what he wanted to say.  
"_What you did, for me, we can't change that. I can't undo it, but there is nothing I wouldn't do to be able to._"  
Dean turned his attention to something in the distant, maybe to hide frustration, maybe because looking at Sam was too painful.  
"_I never asked to be saved and if I'd known what would happen to you, I sure as hell wouldn't have wanted you to. I'm not looking for blame here, I'm just saying_".  
That last line was a lie and he knew it. Maybe Dean knew it too. He looked at him to see if he had reacted, but Dean just kept staring at nothing. Sam blamed Dean. He didn't want to, he couldn't help it, he just did. It's not that he wouldn't sacrifice himself for his brother, it was just that he felt guilty over Dean doing so.  
Then there was the fact that Sam had felt abandoned by his brother, an irony he saw so clear.

[DEAN]  
He couldn't turn his face back to Sam's, couldn't let him see that he was struggling not to cry. It wasn't that he was too proud to, Sam had seen him vulnerable many times before. He just didn't want Sam to see that he knew he was lying and that it made him so sad he could hardly breathe.  
"_I know I was selfish Sammy, I just wish you wouldn't judge me for it. I'm not blind you know, it's obvious that it's eating you._"  
"_Damn straight it's eating me Dean!_" Sam said as he walked over to Dean, forcing him to look at him.  
"_I'm scared and I can't help but thinking about what you did. It terrifies me, because if you could do such a thing, what can you expect from me?_"  
"_What do you mean by that?_" Dean asked, but he already knew what Sam was going to say.  
"_Think about it Dean, you are one hundred percent human, yet you did those things. You did them, and you liked it._"  
Those words hit Dean straight in the chest and he started yelling back: "_You don't know what it was like..._"  
"_No, I don't!_" Sam screamed and with that large tears started to roll down his face.  
"_I don't know Dean, I don't and I'm trying to understand but the truth is I am so scared. I'm scared of what I will do, if you did those things. What will I do? Huh?! Just think about it._" Sam hung his head and started to shiver. It looked like his face was leaking as tears fell straight down into the dirt.

Dean put a hand on Sam's right shoulder, but he shook it off. He grabbed him by both and Sam looked up, almost throwing himself in Dean's embrace.  
They just stood there, Sam shaking in his brother's arms and Dean's heart was beating so hard it felt like it would explode. He couldn't stand Sam being hurt like this, and even worse, by him.


	2. Chapter 2

**  
**. . .

[SAM]  
Back inside the car they both sat in silence, the kind of silence that makes the head throb by the tension. Dean had his fingers on the steering wheel and tapped it in a steady rhythm. Sam felt his eyes on his face and turned his head to the right, looking outside the window. He followed a small drop of water as it made its way down the windows exterior, until it vanished.  
Just as he heard Dean draw for breath, as if to speak, his phone rang and made both of them jump by the sudden noise. Dean fumbled it out of his jacket and answered it. Sam looked at him as he answered the person on the other end with a short "yes" or "mhm". Dean probably felt his eyes on him and whispered "_Bobby_" to Sam, who nodded and turned his attention back to the window.  
When he heard the conversation being ended, one finger where the water drop had been sliding down, he asked "_So what did he want?_" trying to sound like he didn't care. The truth was he was relieved by the call, as it meant they could focus on something else, if only for a little while.  
"_Not much really._" Dean answered, put the phone back inside his jacket and started tapping the steering wheel again.  
"_So, no new case then?_" Sam said, and he realised his irritation was harder to hide than he thought. Why was he so upset? He didn't even know himself. It happened a lot lately, that he couldn't control his temper, he even found it hard to control his own thoughts. They wandered down paths he wouldn't have dared to dream about before.  
"_Wow Sam, didn't know you were so eager to go on a hunt, especially since we just came from one._"  
"_I'm not, it's just..._" he was interrupted by Dean.  
"_It's just that you'd rather not talk to me. I get it, really I do, let's just find a motel and get some rest, okay?_"  
Dean started the engine as Sam sat there feeling guilty over upsetting him. The car made it's way onward and the sound of it's motor running was soothing in a way. It reminded Sam of their dad, and despite their disagreements, he had loved him very much. He felt a lump in his throat and shook his head in an attempt to get rid of the feeling of complete sorrow.  
"_Look, Dean, I'm sorry._"  
"_Sorry for what?_" Dean said, and he sounded genuinely interested.  
"_For_ _being so short with you just now. But I'm also sorry for what happened to you_."  
"_What are you sorry for? It's not like it was your fault._"  
"_But_ _it was Dean, and I'm not just talking about me being a complete idiot not even covering my back._"  
"_Ah come on, that's my job, remember?_" Dean snickered in his usual manner.  
"_Dean, I'm serious._" Sam looked at Dean who shot a glance at him and felt a stung in his heart. He had looked at him so many times, but he felt like he saw him for the first time after Dean died. How could he have missed it before? It was now that he could actually see how much his brother had changed. He had seen sorrow in Dean before, but this was nowhere close to that. The realisation made him even more determined to put the blame on himself.

"_I could've killed Jake, you know. I had the chance, I had him lying on the ground, but I just walked away_."  
At first Dean didn't say anything, he just sighed and kept looking on the road as he drove. "_Sam, you wouldn't and you didn't, it's just the way you are_."  
"_But it's not. Dean, I wanted to kill him, my head and gut was screaming for me to, but I didn't, and it wasn't because of me. It was because of you. I thought of you and I couldn't bare you looking at me if I killed someone, a human being, who was lying down, unarmed._"  
Dean once again didn't answer right away, instead he drove to the side of the road and stopped the car.

[DEAN]  
He didn't know what to say, his head was spinning and as he turned the key to kill the engine, he saw in the corner of his eye that Sam was staring right at him.  
"_Dammit Sam, why do you insist on being such an ass?_"  
"_What?_"  
"_You heard me. I don't know if you have this sick desire to trash talk yourself, but it needs to stop!_" He could see Sam was struggling to take in what he just said, but he didn't want to give him a chance to reply. "_I don't know what goes on in your head, but I know who you are. Or at least who you used to be. Ever since you learned the truth about yourself, you're walking around feeling sorry for yourself. I need you to snap out of it and fight it, Sam! Can't you see that you're letting yourself slip into darkness? And this thing with Ruby..._"  
"_Dude come on, not again!_" Sam always sounded defensive whenever her name came up. Dean felt the anger rising inside just thinking about her, and how she'd had time to manipulate Sam while he was gone, but he remained calm.

"_Sam, all I'm asking is that you try to see it my way. All our lives we've fought evil and no matter who's body she's possessing at the moment, Ruby is a demon. You, Sammy, you're not a demon. You're just someone that those evil sons of bitches decided to use in their own hell death match. You are Sam Winchester, you're the son of Mary and John Winchester and you are my little brother and I'd be damned if I'm gonna loose you to their side!_" With that last word he banged his right fist in to the dashboard, making Sam blink and his head jerk back. He could see Sam opening his mouth to say something, but he just closed it again and stared straight ahead.  
Ignoring the throbbing in his fist, Dean started the engine and drove out on the road again. It started to rain so he put on the windshield wipers, and the sound of them seemed almost overwhelming in contrast to the echoing silence between the brothers. Now it was Dean's turn to feel guilty over being so harsh on Sam, but at the same time he found it necessary. He had tried to reason with him before, but in his fear he had only pushed him further away and he was desperate to reach to him, before he lost him completely.

They reached an inn just as it stopped raining and once they had parked the Impala outside the place, Sam nearly jumped out of the car.  
"_I'll check us in, you can wait at the diner, we both need something to eat._" He walked in a fast pace and Dean had hardly gotten out of his seat before Sam was gone. He stood there for a little while, leaning his hands against the black roof reflecting his features, breathing in with his nose the fresh air the rain had left behind. He quickly rested his head against his hands, then stood up to close the car door. He started walking towards the diner thinking about what Bobby had told him when he had called earlier. "_I don't know what to tell you Dean, I've looked all over this darn country and I can't find any more information about your brother's, well, condition's one word I guess._" He knew Bobby was smart, he could tell by Dean's voice that Sam was there when he called him, but he tried to tell him as much as he could without making Dean sound suspicious. "_In every one of them it ends bad. Dean, I don't wanna be the one to tell ya, but maybe your daddy wasn't all crazy when he said those things to you before he died. Look, I know you wanna save him.._." "_Yes!_" had been Dean's instant reply.  
"_Look, just call me whenever you can, alright?_"  
"_Mhm._"  
"_And Dean._"  
"_Mm_."  
"_Be careful._"  
With that their phone call had ended and Dean was thinking about calling Bobby back, now that Sam wasn't around. He decided not to, there had already been too much commotion for one day. He felt that for just a little while he wanted to sit down at a shabby diner with his little brother, eating something really unhealthy and just relax.

He had just sat down in a booth when Sam joined him, in time for the waitress to bring them their menu.  
Sam laid his down on the table and looked at Dean, the waitress walked along to help other customers, Dean put his elbows on the table and looked back at Sam.  
"_So_" Sam began "_you care to fill me in on what you and Bobby were really talking about?_"  
"_I already told you, not much._"  
"_Meaning?_"  
"_Meaning, not much concerning your pretty little face, mkay?_" Dean smirked and picked up his menu.  
"_So that's how it's gonna be?_"  
"_Yup!_" Dean answered and didn't take his eyes off the pages of the greasy food listed.

"_Jerk_."

"_Bitch_."

They looked at each other and both smiled, small smiles that almost disappeared as quickly as they appeared, but it was enough to ease the tension for now.  
Sam waved the waitress over to their table and they both ordered the special. As they sat there waiting for the food to arrive, Sam gazing outside the stained window, Dean felt sadness inside him. He wondered why it couldn't be like this, just like this, always? Like it used to be.  
Before he died.  
Before he went to hell.  
He looked at Sam and swore to himself that there was nothing he wouldn't do to make it true, to save him so they could go on like they used to do.  
Sam and Dean, brothers in arms. He laughed at the thought of it and when their food was served he ate with the appetite he used to have. He felt new, determined in a way he had never been before.  
He was going to save Sam, and there was nothing that could stand in his way.


End file.
